From a new perspective
by Ilse17
Summary: Jane finds out that he was not responsible for the murder of his family. Will that revelation change his views about a possible future with Lisbon before it's too late ?
1. Chapter 1

**I felt like using a new title as I want to write now about a new beginning for Jane, but this is a sequel to the story "Red John's Diary". Set somewhere after 6 x 16 or 6 x 17. Jisbon.**

It took another hour to Lisbon to reach the end of the Red John's diary. Hugely relieved that there was nothing concerning the murder of Charlotte and Angela, apart from the two pages apparently torn off by Mc Allister, Lisbon closed the notebook and rested her head on the back of the couch, closing her eyes.

When she opened them, the morning sun was bathing her living room. Everything seemed to have been a dream: Rosalind giving her the diary, the many things she had read in there, the incredible revelation that Red John had planned to kill Jane's family long before the fatal broadcast. But the notebook on her lap was the proof that everything was true.

Her first move was to try to call Jane, but his phone was turned off. She hoped he was all right. The case he was investigating was about a missing little girl, whose stepfather was working at the pentagon. Cases involving children were tough, especially for Jane.

It was nearly time for her to be at work. After a quick shower and two cups of coffee, Lisbon made her way to the FBI office.

She didn't expect Jane, Cho and Fisher to be back before the beginning of the afternoon, but the first thing she heard when she entered in the bullpen was Kim's angry voice, coming from Abbott's office. She sighed.

"What has he done this time ?", she asked Cho, who was already at his desk.

"Same as usual", the Asian man answered. "Last afternoon he gave us the slip to confront a suspect by himself. We located him thanks to his phone, but we had a car breakdown and ended up on foot, running like crazy. We found him at the end of a gun, with his feet nearly over the edge of a cliff, as the murderer wanted to make his death look like an accident. The suspect is dead, his confession on a tape. Fisher was so mad she refused to stay in a motel as planned and made us drive all night. She ordered Jane to follow us with his airstream. He hasn't shown up yet, but I phoned him and he said he would be in the FBI parking lot in half an hour. He must be there soon now."

"It was very close, Lisbon", added Cho after a pause. "This time I really thought that we wouldn't make it."

Lisbon felt as if an icy claw had closed around her heart. How many times would she feel that retrospective terror ? What if Cho and Fisher hadn't made it in time ? Jane would have died. He would have died still thinking he was responsible for the death of his family. She took a deep breath to calm down.

"Cho", she said, "there is something I have to tell Jane. Something so important I think I will take my morning off, and so will Jane, probably."

"What about your lunch ? Weren't you supposed to eat with Pike ? I heard him asking you yesterday."

Lisbon realized that since her visit to Rosalind on the previous afternoon, she hadn't think about Pike even once. But she immediately dismissed that thought. It was still not the moment to think about Pike.

"I'll phone him later to explain", she said.

At that moment, Fisher came out of Abbott's office, obviously still fuming.

"Kim", said Lisbon, "I must talk to Jane as soon as he's arrived, it's a very important matter."

"I can't see how it could be more important than his complete disregard for any kind of discipline, for his team, and for his own life", said Fisher, her voice more high pitched than is usually was. "Abbott is the one he must see as soon as he arrives."

"Believe me, no kind of lecture will do any good", sighed Lisbon. "Especially from anyone supposed to be an authority figure. Let me talk to him about this too."

"As you wish", said Fisher a little peevishly. "After all, it's the reason why we took you in here in the first place."

Cho's brow creased slightly, a sign that he was not in the least pleased with Kim's last retort. Lisbon put an appeasing hand on his arms. She suspected that there was a good part of retrospective fear in Kim's anger. She could recognize a kind of kinship with her own feelings any time Jane had pull that kind of stunt when she was in charge.

With a wistful smile to Cho, she took the direction of the parking lot.

The airstream was there. With a strange mix of anger at the thought of Jane's last craziness and of impatience to tell him about the diary, she knocked at the door.

Jane opened the door, unshaved, disheveled, but in spite of it nothing less than handsome, as usual. Obviously he's just arrived. He cast her that half sheepish, had defiant look he had sometimes when he knew she was about to admonish him.

"Lisbon. To what do I owe this visit ?" The tone and the smile were teasing, but he was slightly fidgeting with his fingers. He obviously assumed that he was in trouble.

And obviously, he should have been. But now she was facing him, the overwhelming emotion she felt at the idea of revealing him what she knew didn't leave any room for anger.

Still, she couldn't let pass that new evidence of how little he cared for his own life. She had to begin with that.

"Fisher told me about yesterday", she said. "How could you do such a thing ?"

The softness of her tone seemed to surprise him. He shrugged and answered in typical fashion:

"It was the only way to have the bastard confess what he had done. He had suggested to his stepdaughter to swim in a very dangerous place, to have her mother all for himself, Lisbon. There was no proof at all that it was not an accident, and as the man was a bigwig…"

With a sudden wave of compassion, Lisbon realized how much that case had upset him. Had he seen the insane risks he had taken as a way to make amend, once again, for his own daughter's death ? This pattern of thought was to be stopped for good.

"You can't go on like this, Jane. One more criminal arrested or dead isn't worth your life. You said once you'd always save me. Can't you imagine what I'd feel if you died ? Didn't I tell you that many times ?"

"It's different now", he said, his back to her, so low that she wondered if she had heard him correctly.

"What did you say ?"

He turned toward her, gently smiling, his mask firmly in place.

"You'd get over it. You're not alone anymore."

It took a few seconds to Lisbon to understand who he was talking about. Pike ? Would Jane consider her relationship with Pike as a signal he didn't have to take care of his own life for her anymore ? Did he imagine that having Pike in her life could in any way make his death less unbearable to her ? For it would not, not in the least. The sudden realization of that made her feel the urge to make it clear for Jane as well.

"You mean Pike ? Can you imagine that his presence could ever make up for your loss? I just dated him a couple of times. He means no more for me than, say, Mashburn."

She saw the mask fell a bit, and she thought she could read in his eyes a mix of relief, of guilt for feeling relieved, and, above all, a deep tenderness that made her heart beat faster.

"Besides", she added, "I want you to value your life for itself, not just because of me. Why would you give up on your life now, when you've achieved your goal ?"

His eyes were sad again. "Do you remember that woman who had killed the dealer who was responsible for her daughter's death ?" he whispered. "She was right, you know. I had to stop Red John, I don't regret what I did… But I don't feel better for that either."

Lisbon felt tears in her eyes at that rare and heartbreaking outburst of honesty. Reaching out, she took his hand in hers and motioned him toward the couch. The words hardly finding their way through her tightened throat, she managed to say:

"But yesterday I learnt something… something that may cause you pain, but that in time, I hope, will make you feel better. Sit down and listen."

TBC

**What do you think ? Please review !**


	2. Chapter 2

Lisbon sat on the couch beside him, and took the notebook from her handbag. Her heart pounding, she took a deep breath, in a vain attempt to feel less tense.

"Yesterday, I had an interview with Rosalind. She's in a mental facility."

Jane sighted. "Poor Rosalind. Some idiot from the FBI told her about the smiley, I suppose ? She'd never really believed that her Roy was Red John. I should have found a way to wipe it from her wall."

"Don't start to blame yourself for things you're not responsible for", said Lisbon. "Rosalind has been very ill for two years, but now she's better and that's why she asked me to come. I didn't tell you because she had expressly asked me not to."

"Why ?" Jane's eyes fell on the notebook. He blanched suddenly.

"This comes from _him, _doesn't it ?"

"Yes, it does", said Lisbon softly, "it's Mc Allister's diary, he wanted you to have it. But there isn't anything inside it about the death of your family", she added quickly. "He torn off the pages that were about it. And no, it's not me who did it", she added before he could interrupt her, "and no, it's not Rosalind who asked someone to do it for her. She urged me not to tell you about the diary because she thought there might be something hurtful for you in it. She received herself a very cruel CD in which Red John explained her that he didn't kill her mainly because her eyes couldn't look at him in terror."

Jane was staring at her as if he had been petrified. She took hold of his shoulders, her eyes boring into his. "Don't you understand what it means ? Mc Allister sent a letter for you with the diary, just before the meeting of the five suspects at your house. He was so sure he would win the game and would disappear from the country that he wanted you to know all his schemes, assuming you would be overwhelmed by his brilliancy", she added with a snort.

"He wanted you to feel desperate, not to feel better. Don't you see that if he torn off these pages, it probably means that he had to… to be more hasty than he wanted to ?"

His didn't even seem to hear her, his face livid, his eyes glazed. Her heart was aching to have put him again on the path of his terrible memories. He tried to grab the diary, but she kept it firmly in her hands. He cast her a look with a mix of surprise and anger. He was shaking badly, and just for a second, he seemed poised as if he was about to try to snatch the diary from her. But he didn't, and deep inside her Lisbon knew that he would never do any kind of agressive gesture toward her, whatever happened.

"Lisbon", he said softly instead, eyes pleading.

"Please, Patrick", she replied, "there is no need for you to read it all. There are… many other atrocious descriptions, it would only do harm to you. Mc Allister really seemed to enjoy boasting about his hellish deeds, and it's another reason to be sure it's a good sign that he didn't want you to read the pages about Charlotte and Angela. But there is one passage you must read. Read that one first, and I'll let you read the rest if you really want to."

She carefully opened the diary at the page she had marked. And put it on his lap.

Her eyes didn't leave his face as he was reading. She knew how terrible it must be for him to live again, through the vile murderer's own words, the tragedy that had shattered his life. Her breathing labored, her hands like ice, she hadn't felt that bad since the night she had led him back to his house, to the fatal door, and to himself, after his dissociative fugue.

He had finished now, his eyes motionless. He didn't make any movement to go on reading the diary. Then suddenly, he put his head in his hands, his shoulders quivering. She had never seen him cry, not even that terrible night in his deserted house, in front of the red smiley. Without even thinking, she wrapped her arms around him, and he buried his face in her shoulder, abandoning any attempt to repress the violent sobs that were shaking his whole body. Out of pain or out of relief ? Probably both. Her heart was bleeding for him. She stroke his hair, whispering soothing words. She never knew how long they had stayed that way in each other's arms. Eventually his sobs subsided, but he didn't move, his face still against her breast, and she did her best to breath calmly, evenly, hoping to make him find some measure of peace in the very fact they were together, the same way she did.

"You see", she said at last, in a very low, soft voice, "it was not your fault. He had planned this all along, even before you went on that show."

"If I had not appeared in all these shows"…he croaked

"No", she cut in firmly, "he had noticed you _before_ he watched any show. He heard about your abilities from a cop, because you had started to help the police". _And it was Angela's idea, not yours_, she thought but didn't dare to add, knowing he could think about it by himself.

"Angela knew I would have some fun doing it", he whispered, "she wanted me to be an honest man, but to be happy as well."

"And she was right", answered Lisbon. "But helping the police doesn't go without risks, and she knew it as well."

"Why did she have to pay such a price for trying to make a better man of me ?", he said with a sight that was nearly a sob again.

"Why did my mother die so young ? She was the kindest, sweetest of all women. Why young Miranda Martins or Emma Plaskett had to die ? They had done nothing wrong. Nor did Rosalind, who might never completely recover. Life is not fair. You know that."

But even if he knew it, thought Lisbon, she had always had the impression that deep inside, Jane was not completely ready to accept that truism. It was part of the childlike charm he had sometimes, that belief that somehow, it was possible to set things right, to have the bad guys punished, and good people helped or rewarded. It explained many of his acts, from his obsessive hunt for Red John to his anonymous gifts to people in finantial distress they had met during some of their investigations. And, of course, part of his meddling in his colleagues' life.

"What is important for you now is to be well aware of this : what made Mc Allister decide to kill your family is not what you said during the show. He had already planned to make a disciple of you and for that, he wanted you to be alone. He used the same leverage with Lorelei. He had reached the area of your house long before the show had begun. And he had to, considering how far from it he lived. We should have thought about that as soon as we learnt that Mc Allister was Red John. But you were too used to believe in your own culpability. And yet, what were the odds for him to be there by chance and to watch this particular show?"

Jane nodded slightly. A call on his sense of logic was a good mean to help him to calm down.

"It was not your fault, she added, not your fault at all, no more than it was Bosco's fault if he was killed. You're not responsible for Mc Allister's obsession with you, unless you think that all brilliant people should refrain from using their abilities in case that a serial killer would notice them. You didn't deserve the twelve years of misery he made you live", she added, feeling a new burst of pure hatred for Mc Allister.

Jane took a deep, shuddering breath. "They were not just years of misery, not with you at my side", he whispered. "I suppose you're right", he added after a pause. "But it'll take me a while, I think, before I can figure this out completely."

She stroke his hair again, lightly. "In time, you will. Should I leave you alone for a while ?", she asked. She assumed that he would need some time alone to sort things out, to ponder over that huge, overwhelming change in his perspective of what had been for twelve years the one pivotal event of his life.

For him, time had been stopped as if he was a broken clock, always showing the hour when it had been thrown to the ground. Now he could learn again how to look at a possible future. Or so she hoped, with all her heart.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

"No", he whispered, tightening his hold on her, "stay with me, please".

"All right", she said, somehow surprised. She was so used to him see him deal with all kind of shock alone, never allowing himself be seen in a moment of weakness. But hadn't he just cried in front of her ? "I already told Cho that you may take a day off, all what I have to do is to warn him I'll do the same. After all, you've just closed our last case."

He smiled. "For once, they'll do the paper work without you. What about lunch, and then a drive and a walk somewhere ? I'd like to go to the ocean."

"It's already quite late", she answered. "Let's grab some sandwiches and go there directly."

In the car, she suddenly realized she had forgotten to make a phone call to cancel her lunch with Pike. She wrote quickly an apologetic SMS while Jane was buying the sandwiches. She didn't feel like reminding Jane of Pike at that very moment.

For once, he didn't insist to drive. The trip was spent in silence, but somehow, it was a comfortable one. Jane seemed deep in thoughts, and his eyes were sad, but the tension she had learnt to detect in almost imperceptible signs, when he was upset, was not there.

When they arrived to the beach, it was late in the afternoon. It reminded Lisbon another view on the sea at sunset. Jane obviously thought about it as well, as he cast her a wistful, guilt-ridden look. And then, suddenly, he took her hand. She allowed him to, not wanting to think about all the possible meanings of that gesture. For the moment, it was enough that he needed to.

They walked quietly along the beach, not talking much, only to show to each other a pelican diving into the sea, or a nice sailboat.

Then, as the last rays of light on the horizon faded suddenly in the warm darkness of the night, they sat on the sand.

"You know", he said suddenly in a low, soft voice," I think I still don't figure exactly what to do with the things I've just learnt… I was so used to think that their death was all my fault, the final, most terrible of all the wrongs I had committed before…"

"And that's the pattern of thought I want you to get rid of", she said, "you are a good man, even Rosalind says so, and there are people who care for you… who love you."

Once again, they both knew that the "people" meant above all herself, just like that day, so long ago, when he had decided to trap Red John using himself as a bait, and when she had not let him sacrifice his life.

He suddenly turned to look at her with piercing, pleading eyes.

"Lisbon… I know that I ask a lot again. That I have no right to ask you anything now. You have Pike, he 's a good guy… But don't walk away from me now, I need a little time, I think, to fully realize the truth, to adapt my perspective to it… But I need you, I need you so badly."

Lisbon almost sighed aloud. Time ? Weren't twelve years long enough ? But she immediately thought that such a reaction was somehow unfair. What he had just learnt may change everything.

She knew he loved her, she had known for years. And she knew that he knew she loved him too. Recently, he had told her that the only thing that had prevented him to end his life after killing Red John was the thought of her possible heartbreak at the new. She had been deeply moved by that -for once - so earnest confession of how important she was for him.

But along these months spent at the FBI together, she had get used to the idea that it would be the only proof of his love that Jane would ever give to her.

On the island, then at the FBI, he had gone on spending his life in limbo. And that hollowness had been all the more visible now that his feverish thirst of revenge, the passion he had put in the hunt of his nemesis had gone with Mc Allister's death. It was as if Jane had found enough strength to come back, to get her an interesting job to make up for the one he considered he had caused he to lose, and nothing else. All what had seemed to remain after that was just the charming shell of the man he had been, still with mischievous, teasing manners, still finding, with the perfect machinery his mind was, brilliant schemes to trap the bad guys, but without these bursts of zest for life, or of unexpected earnestness showing his vulnerable side that had allowed her to know him better, and to love him.

At the beginning, afraid that what prevented him to confess his love for her was her harsh words in the plane, she had considered making the first move herself. But then, she had realized that doing so, she would probably just end up breaking both her heart and Jane's. She'd realized that as long as he would consider himself as responsible for the death of his loved ones, he'd never be able to start a new life with someone else. Because he thought he didn't deserve to be happy. Because he feared to bring some kind of evil upon anyone who would become too close to him. And above all, maybe, simply because he thought he owed to his family to remain solely faithful to their memory. The episode of the ring removed and immediately put back when he had met Fisher had shown that. He had realised that having killed the murderer of his family didn't make him feel any better about his own responsibility. And he had resigned to never be able to truly move on.

That's why in the end she had chosen to go on with the "only friends" fiction. And the fear to shatter him even more, by forcing him to deny her the relationship she wanted, had been an even stronger motive for that than her own fear for rejection.

It was then that she had met Pike, and had thought it was time for her to turn the page.

But her mind was lucid enough to know that as soon as there was any hope for the thaw to come at last, for her to see Jane whole again, back to his former self, and to be his support in that path, his companion for a possible future, there was no man in the world she would chose over such a prospect.

"I'll be there", she whispered, "I'll always be there for you."

** I found that for me, Jane's inability to overcome his guilt was a way to explain the characters' ****behavior in the so disappointing recent episodes of season 6. **What do you think ?****


	4. Chapter 4

He took a deep breath, as if he had held it until she answered.

"But", she added before he could say anything, "if you need time to figure out what you've just learnt, and if you want me around while you do that, there is one condition."

"Anything you want", he said urgently. "What is it ?"

"Honesty", she said firmly. "No more lies, no more evasions or untold truth. And to begin, tell me why you behaved as if you didn't need me since we work together again."

He seemed to hesitate, with that look he had when he knew that she'd not be pleased with his answer.

"Spill it", she said. "You owe me that at least, don't you think ?"

"I suppose I thought that it was what you wanted", he whispered. "After what you said to me in the plane on our way back from New-York... I thought that you'd prefer me to work with Fisher and leave you alone."

"You stayed away from me because of that !" She couldn't believe it.

"Well, you said : «You were difficult and exhausting and maybe I don't want to put the rest of my life on hold to be your sidekick. » I think it was pretty clear about what you wanted me to do."

She shouldn't have been surprised that he would remember her very words. Yet she'd had no idea of the devastating impact they'd had on him. She couldn't believe that after all these years with him, she had not taken into account, or at least not enough, both his ability to hide his true feelings and the extreme vulnerability he hid behind the glib, cheerful facade. Maybe because of the two years she had spent away from him ? For whatever reason, she had quickly dismissed the idea that he had been hurt by her angry outburst. But obviously he had, even if he had never mentioned it again.

"For God's sake, Jane", she said, "why did you have to pick that very occasion to do as you were told ? Or rather, as you supposed that you were told ?"

As he remained silent, she decided to wind him up a little to force him to tell the truth.

"Apparently you decided to give me a hard time by shuting me out in retaliation ?" She knew it was not true. Even if he could be mean on occasion, that kind of petty revenge was not like him.

"Not at all", he protested immediately. "I just thought that you were right. I shouldn't have made of you my first condition in my deal with Abbott without asking you about it before. And I was actually difficult and exhausting to work with. I got you that job to make up for what I had done to your carreer. Then I thought it would be better if Fisher was the one to deal with me, so you were free to prove yourself, as I knew you would… Besides", he added, "you didn't seem to want to spend time with me. Once I suggested you could make the journey in my airstream, and you declined."

"But I hate airstreams", she exclaimed, "and OK, I was also a little miffed that you had hardly spoken to me for days. How could the great mentalist misread me so badly ? It seems you're losing your touch", she said, her kind tone making up for the sting in her words.

"Maybe", he said in a pleasant tone belied by the sadness of his eyes, "it's because my emotions messed up too badly with my brilliant mind."

"And in spite of these emotions, you nearly encouraged me to date Pike, going so far as asking an helicopter for me not to miss a dinner with him ? What was I supposed to think ?"

"That I was happy that you had found a nice guy to appreciate and love you the way you deserve to be. Someone with a normal background, a clean record and a promising future. And I was actually happy for you, you know."

"Happy for me, yes, but what about you ? And remember, I want nothing but the truth."

He sighed. "I was utterly, completely miserable of course. What else ? But what could I offer you, compared to him ?"

"So once again", she said, "you made the decision for me. Wasn't that precisely what I had asked you not to do ?"

"I didn't see it that way", he protested, "I tried to let you decide by yourself by keeping myself out of the way".

"How could I have decided freely, if I only had one option", she exclaimed. "You're not telling me the whole truth, once again."

"I do", he said vehemently.

"No you don't."

He hesitated just a moment, then said : "All right. I didn't act on my feelings also because I was scared."

"Scared of what ?"

"Scared of not being able to move on at all. You see, when I met Fisher in the island, not knowing who she was, I tried to have a date with her, and to remove my ring."

"Yes, Fisher told me about the ring. But it was back in place when I met you in Austin. You found out that you were not ready."

"Yes. And I thought I'd never be. Having killed Mc Allister didn't change anything about my guilt. And guilt prevented me from coping with grief and turn the page. So it was better for you not to remain saddled with a messed up, self-centered wreck such as me."

She should have guessed. How could she have missed the truth ? How could she have overlooked the distant, cheeful, bordering mechanical behaviour, all the signs she would have immediately recognized as bad signs in the old days ? She had thought he was OK, that Red John's death had freed him, but it was the contrary. He had felt as trapped in his past as ever. Where had gone her everlasting concern for him that made her guess when something was wrong with him ?Was she the one who had been self-centered this time ?

"Was it really a self-centered decision, to let me go ?", she said. "I rather think it's one of the most selfless, but stupid things you ever did. And what if I had gone to DC with Pike, as he asked me to ?"

At the shock in his eyes, she understood that he had not expected that at all. It had been quite unexpected for her too, by the way.

"He asked you that ? So your relationship is very serious for him."

"Yes, and I'm afraid I lied to him, telling him I was feeling the same", Lisbon said guiltily. "But I was just desperate to have someone in my life… to make me forget it could have been you", she finished without even thinking.

This was it. She had made the first move, as she had sworn to herself she'd never do. But things had changed, all was changed tonight. Jane was being honest with her, with no reservation, no elusions.

"And what now ?" she asked. "You've just said you need me. What made you change your mind and tell me that ? Do you think you'll be able to move on, now that you know you didn't cause Red John to kill your family ?"

"I still think that if I'd been a different person, it wouldn't have happened. But yes, I hope that now, maybe, I'll be able to turn the page. I'm still completely unworthy of you, you know that."

"I don't see things that way, and whatever the truth is, you're the one I want, no matter your backround, record and so on. You're the one I love, with the faults and torments of your past, but also your kindness, your brilliant mind, your incredible capacity to enjoy life and make the others enjoy it."

"And you're the one I love, with your courage, your strenght, your intergrity and above all, your incredible heart. I'm the luckiest bastard in the world."

"Stop insulting the man I love or I punch you on the nose", she said pleasantly. She'd never felt so happy in her life.


End file.
